It took my breath away to work with the blue rectangles this week.  Just by paying attention, I made some massive discoveries within myself.  For example, on the drive to work, I never really quite appreciated IKEA, but it struck me with their giant blue walls that near my home was a huge message for me about manifesting what’s important to me.  That message became stronger when I associated the assignment with the blue walls in my bedroom, the blue notebooks I purchased for the course, and even this lovely Word Press screen, surrounding me and my consciousness with blue rectangles.

I also found it curious that when I focused really hard at work to find blue rectangles (which this week represented pure joy for me), they were MINIMAL.  I began to question the point of even being a part of that environment any longer.  I DID begin to see how it had stripped me of pleasure, of fulfillment, and of joy.  I am sure I’ve felt that way for some time, but now the message seemed much stronger that even my method of making a living really doesn’t fit my true self any longer.  Lots to ponder, but I have found so much more strength this week in focusing on WHAT I REALLY WANT!  And as I rest from distractions and let my mind do the work and play, a new picture is starting to come into focus.

Through the course, we’re encouraged to “emotionalize”.  Here’s another area I have shut myself away from.  “But the women will be much better at this …” I believe I heard Mark say, well, not this gal.  But it’s been important for me to explore.  I’m beginning to realize that since my husband died, I’ve grown a huge concrete block around myself, disallowing emotions and shielding myself from any further hurt to my heart.  I’m pretty sure I’ve closed myself off too much, not allowing love to come in that may have been good for me, and helped balance my life better.  And I’m afraid my children learned that from me as well.

Wow, well, I certainly had to start over on my DMP at the beginning of the week.  I don’t care about a new house to live in … I want a new LIFE to live in.  Looking forward to deeper exploration, as painful, and liberating, as it is!

Thank you, all —

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